Teenage Behaviour: Age 12-18 Years. How To Handle

Tears that well in the eyes are real, crying softly and silently is real. Am I good enough is also a very real question. Suddenly panicking at the thought of going for a party or getting poor marks or just having a bad day can have a teenage panic, slam a door or just huff off, or just be overwhelmed…. have you ever encountered this at home?

Have you ever encountered a teenager changing her clothes for the tenth time, just because she is not liking her clothes as it is not looking nice with skin colour, the shape of her lips, the broad waistline, or the clothes that she has chosen for herself. It is a very real picture, even for boys, who go to the extent of colouring their hair, growing them, or wearing low waist jeans. The list is endless.. It is a very typical scene in the house where teenagers are growing.

It is also a very typical scene of parents getting hysterical at seeing the misbehaviour, stomping off, slamming a door shut, answering back or just not talking to a parent in anger by their teenager.

But, is this normal behaviour? How do I navigate as a parent? Let us get some answers to the questions.

To answer these questions, the answer is yes, this is normal teenage behaviour, while emotions are real but bad behaviour is also real, however accepting it is not ok. Teenage and pre-teens is an age of experimenting, it is an age where they often feel and express strong emotions. For example, they might feel angry if something seems unfair, or really disappointed if something doesn’t turn out the way they wanted.

These emotions can be overwhelming. At the same time, because a teenage brain is not able to process information like an adult, hence  teenagers don’t always have the skills to think about things rationally. They might have trouble solving problems. They might also do things without thinking them through. While each child may not react in the same manner or behave in the same manner, your child’s personality or particular circumstances like family changes or stress from schoolwork or relationships can also affect pre-teens’ and teenagers’ abilities to deal with emotions.

As a parent it then becomes very difficult to ascertain what is the correct way to know what is right or wrong. Or how to behave as a parent. While offering unconditional support to your child, here are some strategies that will help you in dealing with your teen.

1. Notice and identify the emotion. – If your child looks like they need help to calm down, stop. Pay attention to what your child’s behaviour is telling you about their feelings before you do or say anything else. You may need a lot of practice to know how to identify your child’s emotion.

2. Name and connect the emotion- Labelling the emotion shows your child that you understand how they feel and that this emotion is OK, even if their behaviour is not OK.

3. Pause and say nothing.

4. Support your child while they calm down.

5. Finally address the issue.

6. It’s important to let your child know that it’s OK to feel strong emotions. When your child is calm, you might need to help your child understand the difference between the emotion and the behaviour. For example, ‘It’s OK to feel angry and disappointed. But it wasn’t OK to shout at me and slam the door on my face’.

Key points to note

1. Pre-teens and teenagers might feel strong emotions or react to emotions without thinking. It is because their brain at the pre-teen or teenage years  CANNOT process information like an adult. 
2. When teenagers need help to calm down from strong emotions, notice the emotion, name it, and pause.
3. Address behaviour or problem-solve after teenagers have calmed down. Do not make it a point to talk when your teenage is already in an agitated state.
4. Learning to calm down is an important part of learning tounderstand and manage emotions.
5. AS A PARENT YOU FIRST NEED TO REGULATE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS. THIS WILL ALSO TEACH YOUR TEEN THAT WHILE A PARENT UNDERSTANDS HIM/HER THEY HAVE A PARENTS SUPPORT.

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